too excited to eat

 After a gut cleanse for a medical procedure, I am excited to eat. Too excited to eat. 

Carma eating the most delicious dessert:
brandy-flambéd caramelized bananas in Cancun:)  

When I have to prepare for a GI procedure, such as swallowing a capsule camera, colonoscopy or endoscopy, the prep starts a week before the appointment. Normally I enjoy a high-fiber diet rich with whole grains, nuts, seeds, salads, and a variety of raw or lightly cooked vegetables. I did not get a good cleanse the first time. 

Immediately following the first colonoscopy, I made the huge mistake of going to Polly's Pies (not that there's anything wrong with that!) and ordered Cinnamon Roll French Toast. I had been on clear liquids only for a day and half and had suffered through the obnoxious formula they prescribe for cleaning out the colon. It's brutal! (I'm a big baby.) It not only tastes awful, you have to drink gobs of it all at once and chase it down with a liter of water within the hour! My body put it more bluntly--it rejected the first pint of awful medicine altogether--cast it out like a demon within 5 minutes. 

I sipped water for an hour and let my tummy settle down, and tried again. The second pint I managed to keep down for an hour. This did not get a good result, but given the urgent need for a known tumor biopsy, the colonoscopist went above and beyond his oath as an M.D. and worked it out. He only got as far as the sigmoid colon, where the tumor was seen in a CT scan, a mere 7 inches from the anus, and the tumor was too big to push past it. The first colonoscopy took all of 10 minutes, if that long, and when the anesthia wore off Dr. Chen immediately and soberly informed me that I had colon cancer. 

"I'm not surprised." No emotional reaction. I wasn't suppressing anything, I truly felt no emotional reaction to the diagnosis. "I knew it was cancer." 

What led to this moment and followed it is described in a series of posts starting with zen and the art of living with cancer. I started journaling online so that friends and family could easily find the latest update and see how I'm doing, without my having to repeatedly tell old people bodily function stories. Spare me.

Actual photos of my cancer tumor. 
Don't do what I did. Get your colonoscopy
when your doctor advises.

Further, my cancer journey is visible to all for the educational value it may have to public health. Perhaps more people will get colonoscopies sooner rather than later. Perhaps reading my journal will enlighten them as to how easily removed polyps are compared to a big, nasty tumor blocking the colon. Dr. Chen noted in his report that the inner opening (of the colon/tumor) was <10 mm. He described it as "about as wide as a dime." 

Some people have said the car accident that required a CT scan that revealed the tumor was a blessing in disguise. I said colonoscopies are a blessing. Period. Get it while it's a polyp and you won't have to be splayed on a surgery table for seven hours and hope you don't wake up with a colostomy bag. 

I can also help others who have been diagnosed with sarcoidosis, chronic kidney disease, osteoporosis, colon cancer, and/or a totally separate type of cancer at the same time. In my case, it is Non Hodgin's Lymphoma subtype SLL/CLL. Finding people who understand what it's like to live with this type of cancer is important. (See https://healthunlocked.com/cllsupport and cllsociety.org)

Back to gut cleansing and a word to the wise... do not rush to a favorite restaurant and fill your hungry belly with heavy foods. Do not. You will regret it. Painfully. The bloating and constipation that will haunt you for days is utterly avoidable! Start light. Be gentle with your gut, it has been through a lot. It has gotten irritated. It is resting, recovering. Don't make unreasonable demands of it immediately following a GI cleanse. 

Start with liquids. Clear within the first three hours. Full liquids the next three hours. (Full liquids include milk, soupy cream of wheat, creamy soups, tomato soup, pudding, and maybe a smoothie if it is not loaded with raw skins and seeds--a thin banana peach yogurt smoothie made with canned peaches, not raw with skin. Avoid skins, raw veggies, whole grains and heavy meat for the first couple of days. Seriously, these things are very hard to digest and you are more likely to get constipated because your digestive tract is not yet ready for prime time. 

Be sure to restore your gut biome with a good probiotic-prebiotic capsule that survives stomach acid. Helping your gut to regain its healthy bacterial balance will make a huge difference in a comfortable belly! 

With my most recent procedure, the cleanse went very well, I swallowed a capsule camera, and followed the nurse's instructions as to when it was safe to eat and what to avoid. Unfortunately, those instructions do not appy to a gut that has been traumatized as much as mine in recent weeks and months. I had a colonoscopy in October and had to have another in May to look for possible internal bleeding (anemia diagnostic tool), and at the same time they did an upper GI endoscopy, and then had me cleanse again 3 weeks later and swallow a capsule camera on June 4th. The procedures themselves do not bother me. What is enormously difficult on my body is the prep--it takes days afterward for my digestive tract to come back online. I learned the hard way. 

I just had to go to Urgent Care, didn't I? And they had to send me to the E.R. Of course. Because I needed another CT scan. Sit in the waiting area for hours awaiting blood test and scan results: partial obstruction in the small bowel. They admitted me to the hospital for observation and urgent care. They urgently put me back on a clear liquid diet. After the capsule passed along with a small amount of stool, they advanced me to full liquids for two meals and if that went well--if I didn't blow up and throw up again--they would advance me to soft foods and see how that goes. 

Lesson learned. Do not go back to your normal diet six hours after a GI cleanse, even when the nurse thinks the typical guidelines apply--she doesn't know the history your body had with recovering from cleanses. Listen to your body. If your gut blows up again at home and you feel like you're going to throw up again, keep calm and do not add anything at all to your stomach. Walk, casually, around the house. Take slow deep breaths. Walk it off. And when your tummy settles down a bit, lie down in a quiet, dark room so that your nervous system does not get overstimulated. Let it focus on digestion. 

Get up and walk around some more until bed time, and do not eat anything else until your belly feels soft and and things are moving along. Repeat a cycle of clear liquids, full liquids, soft foods. Don't go back to your normal diet until things are really back to your normal, and you're feelin' good! 

who swallowed a camera

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I dunno why she swallowed that fly. I think she'll die. 
There was an old lady who swallowed a camera. I dunno why she swallowed a camera. I think she'll die.

Wearing Gastroenterology equipment as I swallowed a capsule camera.

When I was a child, we sang that song about the old lady. She swallowed spiders and shoes and I don't recall what all else, but dang if she didn't manage to entertain us for what seemed endless hours of summer nothingness. Holly G, I miss that. 

So, yeah, I swallowed a capsule with a tiny digital camera in it. It was as easy to swallow as a fish oil capsule. Which is to say, I dreaded it for nothing. 

Oh, there's that nothing. Again. 

I have an afficinicity for nothingness. The broad concept of it enthralls me. Nothingness. I crave it. I eat hours of it and still cannot get enough of it. 

A blank mind. 

A blank page. 

The lack of ambition. Lack of worry. Lack of pride. Lack of concern. Lack of effort. 

It is effortless. To experience nothingness. 

I digress. I swallowed a stupid little camera to take stupid little pictures of the insides of my guts as a diagnostic tool. Process of elimination, dontcha know. Holly G, the world's gotten complicated. Do you know that? (I hope you saw the movie Fargo.) 

So that's over with. In a couple weeks I will hear whether or not they think anemia, in my case, is due to a little leakage where I had surgery perhaps? Or internal bleeding has been ruled out and it's caused by a combination of the fact that 50% of the cells in my bone marrow (sample) were CLL type cancer. Consistent with my SLL/CLL diagnosis in June 2025. 

Oh me guts. 

Not to worry. Nothingness is coming round again. 

You can tell when I et a bit too much of the THC gummy. 

I should be walking across the street. Shopping for a decent pick of organic tomatoes, zucchini and carrots. Instead, I'm here, blahgging about what it's like to swallow a camera. 

It's no big deal, okay? No big deal. Unless, of course, you have an overactive gag reflex. In which case, I wish you all good luck on avoiding the necessity of this diagnostic procedure. 

Hopefully, they do not see any internal bleeding. 

Now stay present. Live while you are alive. Don't worry about a thing. Cuz like the man said, every little thing is gonna be alright. ❤

The capsule was not as big as an iPhone

Yep. Just checkin. Did I have swollen lymph nodes
in my neck in 2022? Didn't notice. Or care.

Once upon a time in Santa Rosa
2013, February -- yeah, the red chairs
before the cats clawed em.

Now rub your belly and pat your head at the same time. And sing the song at the top. 

Happy Saturday ❤

watch and wait

 It is only logical that people would wonder why in the world specialists -- experts in their field of research -- would advise cancer patients like me to wait to start treatment. Isn't it better to "nip it in the bud"? Stop it in its tracks? Kill it NOW!!! One would think. But SLL/CLL is a lazy cancer. SLL/CLL is a type of lymphoma/leukemia they have seen do so little to their patients for so many years, that taking prescription drugs that come with some serious risks, such as bleeding internally and infections that could lead to sepsis, the CLL experts tell us to wait. 

The progression of this cancer is easily monitored with blood tests and a CT scan to measure changes in the size of swollen lymph nodes. That's the way we watch it. We watch it do almost nothing to our quality of life. Sure, some lymph nodes wax and wane like the moon -- they increase a little, then decrease, painlessly, imperceptibly -- we wouldn't even know we have cancer if they weren't monitoring it. 

Many people live with CLL for >10 years without symptoms or treatment. This is why the experts generally advise us to watch and wait. Until it does something that affects quality of life or presents life-threatening symptoms, such as a swollen lymph node that constricts breathing or swallowing, or blood cell counts that are dangerously outside of normal range, or impacts vital organs, it simply does not warrant taking on the immediate risks of prescriptions that carry high risks, including possibly fatal risks. 

It is better for us to go on with our lives, ignore the disease unless it presents a significant symptom, such as night sweats, fever, chronic anemia or fatigue -- and they make it a point to tell us that what they mean by night sweats is soaking through clothes and bedding, not merely waking up a little sweaty. By fatigue, they mean severe lethargy, not merely feeling tired or low energy. 

I am at a stage where my hematology/oncology (hem/onc) specialist says it is optional -- if I want to start treatment, I may, she would prescribe it, it's my choice. My bone marrow sample had 50% cancer cells. That sounds like an awful lot. My doctor says I could start treatment at this time, if I choose, it is optional at this stage. 

Before I make a decision either way, I will get a second opinion from an expert. The CLL Society offers this service. (cllsociety.org)

Several people in a CLL forum (healthunlocked.com) have told me they do not understand why my doctor even suggested starting treatment, given my current numbers and factors. Some have told me their numbers were worse than mine years ago and they continued to watch and wait, based on expert advice, and they've been fine, enjoying their life without the nuisance of the potential side effects and the frequent monitoring that goes with cancer treatment. They strongly urged me to speak with a CLL expert. Of course I will do that, because my recommendations are specific to my case, and those forum members do not have all of the relevant details and they are not experts. 

I am confident in my doctor, she has ordered the recommended first-line tests, she has told me the same things I am reading in the CLL Society articles. There is no harm in getting a second opinion. I have time for it. This situation is not urgent. Nothing is imminent, as far as this cancer goes. It is not bothering me in the least. 

For now, I plan to watch and wait in favor of other priorities this year...spending quality time with family who live far away, making memories, taking a special trip with my son while I am able, focusing on bone strengthening measures, and creative writing. I am working on a novel right now that I am very excited to complete. 

Family time

Family time

Family time

Family time

Family time

Healing and mindfulness

Healing and mindfulness go together like peanut butter and chocolate, or chocolate and chocolate, for my peanut-allergic friends, or whatever, choose your favorite pairings. 

What is mindfulness? 

To me, it is simply being present, aware of my immediate environment and my body in it. It does not require a 2-minute meditation program, though a 2-minute meditation program is a good thing to do and I recommend these helpful little apps to get started. To me, it is a constant attitude adjustment, which I learned from a 2-minute meditation program that I no longer need, but can go back to anytime if my mind gets loopy with anxiety. 

Mindfulness is about being aware of this present moment, relaxing my body, and watching thoughts come and go, the way I watch clouds come and go. Oh, look at that one, its shape reminds me of a dragon...and that one looks like a bunny...and that one looks like a dog...and now they're all slowly changing, dissipating, becoming mere wisps and floating away. 

When negative thoughts occur you may reframe them. An example of this is...

"I'm so pissed off at that guy who gave me the wrong information that sent me down a rabbit hole..."

Reframed: "It's a good thing that I persevered to discover the correct information. People make mistakes. Maybe he was having a hard day. I make mistakes, too. It wasn't malicious." 

Mindfulness is being aware that happiness lies within, is always within reach. My happiness is my responsibility. Your happiness is your responsibility. 

Mindfulness is being aware that other peoples' problems are not my problems. Of course, I can choose to help others, and sometimes I do. That's my private business. It is not an obligation. I did not bring them into this world. I cannot save the world. I cannot fix everybody else's life. Mindfulness is, to me, an awareness of my limits and personal core values. 

Stress hormones are harmful when they are constantly released in the body. It is necessary to identify stressors in my life and to change what I can to reduce stress. A 2-minute break to relax and reset my mind is often all it takes. If anxiety is more persistent and overwhelming, I may talk to a doctor about it and take a prescription, or I may nibble on a cannibis edible to alter my thoughts and mood. I consider myself fortunate to live in a state where marijuana is legal. Cannabis has helped me since SSRIs stopped working for me. However, when I begin lymphoma treatment, it is advised to stop all herbal supplements, and that includes cannabis. Why? Because the drugs that help the body kill cancer are serious drugs and the interactions have not been studied. There is no data about it. It could be mostly harmless, or it could be the cause of worse side effects. It is a big unknown and I cannot expect a doctor to advise me if I am presenting her with an unknowable situation. 

No worries. I can manage without cannabis nibbles. I often do. Mostly, I was micro dosing because I was bored. Now, I am too challenged to be bored. 

I am on the hardest trail I have ever been on, and I am writing the best science fiction novel I possibly can, training my brain to be humorous. 

Healing and mindfulness go together because mindfulness (being present and consciously relaxing your body and mind) helps to reduce stress in the body. 🥰

I have lived with many zen masters. All of them cats.
-Eckhart Tolle

Relief

 (Edited. Incomplete and inaccurate information was provided to me that has been cleared up. Edits are in bold italics.)

Oliver & Carma, Bergen Norway 2023

The oncologist said that she would probably recommend treatment, depending on the results of several cancer staging tests. "There are two treatments for this type of lymphoma," she said, referring to SLL/CLL. "You could take one pill for the rest of your life or two pills for two years." 

My immediate question is, "What are the side effects?" Unspoken, because I was listening to everything the specialist had to say. The answer would be known soon enough. 

Having researched the question and deciding that, if necessary, I would consider taking one or both of these drugs, my next question is, "What's the cost?" 

I learned yesterday that Medicare does not cover these specialty drugs (including generic and biosimilar types). [This was the incomplete and inaccurate information I was given by someone in my insurance benefits team who probably lacks experience and knowledge. The generic names were not in the drug formulary, the system did not automatically show the brand names as an alternative, and so they were not found. Not only does my insurance provide some coverage for the drugs (my copay is 32%), the more important fact is that Medicare policy/law limits the out-of-pocket cost patients must pay to $2,100 in 2026. See facts about drug coverage at medicare.gov] Here are the US retail prices. 

Brukinsa (Zanubrutinib) - US price $128 per tablet

Venclexta (Venetoclax) - US price $81 per tablet

Estimated cost per year for 1 tablet each daily: $76,285 

[My cost will be no more than $2,100 this year, and may be a little more in 2027.]

I learned that even some patients in the UK are buying these drugs from India mail order pharmacies to save money. The current prices to get only Venetoclax (Venclexta) from India: 

India lowest price found today for the one-pill option is $3.60 per 100mg tablet

Assuming that only 1 tablet of 100mg is prescribed, if I bought it from India, the annual cost might be $3.60 per tablet, or $1,314 per year for the rest of my life. If I live to be 90 instead of 80, assuming the price does not increase over time, that would mean paying $13,140 to have those last decrepit 10 years. 

My latest question is, "What did people do before this chemical cocktail was developed?" 

For thousands of years, billions of humans lived and died without these drugs. I can do that! 

That means, I can spend $13,140 on travel instead of putting it in the pocket of a pharmaceutical company. I can spend the quality time I currently have doing things I enjoy vs gambling on cancer treatment that is A) not a cure, and B) likely to cause misery; i.e., do more harm than good. 

I titled today's blog Relief because that is what I feel. 

Instead of facing (gulp) two years of feeling dreadful -- when I thought insurance had it covered and  felt compelled to suffer for the comfort of my family -- I now face two years of, "Where do you want to go next?" [I heard from others in an online CLL support forum that they are taking these two drugs and are not experiencing side effects, or at least no significant ones. I am feeling more confident and comfortable about starting treatment when the time comes. For now, thanks to my numbers being good enough, I can continue to "watch and wait" - a phrase used to sum up the monitoring processes, which are determined by the CLL specialist (hematology/oncology doctors). It generally involves occasional blood tests and a bi-annual CT scan.]

Relief. 

I am back to square one, where I started on this lymphoma ride (thrills not included). Enjoy life while I can. Exercise my legal right to terminate a terminal illness on my own terms, thanks to the California End of Life Options Act (Zen and the Art of Living with Cancer). [My plan as of today is to focus on strenthening my bones and taking time to travel to visit family in Utah and to spend quality time with my son, who is interested in going to Germany and Amsterdam. We are planning a trip together.] 🥰

Next: Travels with Good Carma

New Hope

Eat Well

This blog is for my family and friends to follow how things are progressing, and to help anyone who has Non Hodgkins SLL/CLL Lymphoma or loves someone who has been diagnosed. 

There has been a positive development with my disease. The size of lymph nodes has decreased! Comparing the CT scan done in May 2025...

May 2025 CT Report

...and the PET/CT scan done in April 2026...

April 2026 PET/CT Report

You see that the largest conglomerate of swollen lymph nodes last year was 8.1 cm (81 mm, which is 3.2 inches) and this year the largest conglomerate noted is 42 mm (4.2 cm, or 1.65 inches). This is a 51% reduction! 

My oncologist did say that this disease "waxes and wanes", meaning the swelling tends to increase and decrease over time, and it is only when other life-threatening symptoms develop that treatment is recommended. For example, because it was > 8cm, she was planning to start treatment once we had all the staging tests done and sorted the cause of anemia (ruled out internal bleeding). However, since the more recent scan shows this significant decrease in size, she told me on May 14th that, depending on the results of the bone marrow biopsy, we could continue to "watch and wait" (meaning, hold off on treatment, i.e., wait to start the pills, and only monitor the disease with blood tests and a followup CT scan, because treatment has its risks and could do more harm than good). 

My husband and I feel new hope today because this suggests that what I have been doing for the past year to slow/stop/reverse the progress of this disease seems to be making a difference. I have been taking supplements that were recommended to me by my optometrist, based on his son's experience with the same type of lymphoma - namely, an antioxidant named GLUTATHIONE. I researched this first and found several online reports suggesting it could help.

• National Institutes of Health (NIH) - Abstract about Glutathione and Lymphoma
• There are several abstracts in the NIH database related to Glutathione and cancer, here is another particularly informative one: Role of Glutathione in Cancer

After hearing the story of my optometrist's son's experience and researching if glutathione was safe to take, I found enough data to support taking it and started taking it daily in late May 2025. In November 2025, I learned about "NAC" and added that to my daily supplement list. 

I also, based on what my optometrist shared, started avoiding products with glyphosate and other pesticides - I started buying more organic and Non GMO foods and avoided processed foods, anything with corn and soy ingredients (because those crops tend to be the most toxic, with regard to pesticide application and glyphosate present in those crops). You know, Trump issued an executive order protecting corporations that use glyphosate and pesticides (the opposite of what he promised in his campaign, by the way) -- and here's the thing I want to point out about that -- you cannot force us to consume glyphosate. We, the people, the consumers who drive economic trends, can boycott glyphosate and pesticide toxins in our food chain by purchasing certified Non GMO products and avoiding processed foods that contain ingredients like corn and soy byproducts. While it may cost a little more, it will cost far more in medical copays and pharmaceutical treatments to ingest these common poisons in our food supply. Even if you cannot 100% avoid them, you can do more than you have been doing to eat better, cleaner foods. 

We all need more antioxidants in our lives. They help reduce the risk of disease, and they help us detox and heal our bodies. ❤

This is a snapshot of my antioxidant daily average, including supplements,  since I started using Cronometer app to track nutrition (Nov 6, 2025 - May 16, 2026). 

New Mystery

 So...good news and mysterious news...and isn't that always the case when scientists gaze lovingly into this complex set of systems we think of as "my body"? haha

We are stardust. We are golden.

No internal bleeding was found during the colonoscopy and upper GI endoscopy ("the combo"). That's the good news.

And now for the new mystery...

Portrait of a Bull*

Esophagus: "There was about 2cm submucosal lesion right above the GEJ [where it connects to stomach]. Biopsy taken. [Oh goody, a new game of How Calm Can You Be? while you wait 1-2 weeks for a pathology report 😂🤣 - the Cosmos is testing my Zen strength 😎 - I'm winning!]

2cm is ~3/4 inch for us Americans cuz y'all know how stubborn we are about sticking to old school weights and measures!

And even more fun is scheduled... I get to swallow a wireless camera capsule so they can look for internal bleeding in the small intestine, because I have unexplained anemia, and I had surgery last year to repair damage to the ileum (oooh, I get to learn new words. I'm having too much fun on this adventure). I get to do the cleanse again!

Nobody told me that the big C is an extreme roller coaster ride! Woo hoo!!!

Is anyone starting to get me? This is why my cancer journal started with... Zen and the Art of Living with Cancer? Laughter is the best medicine.

Lately it occurs to me...what a long, strange trip it's been.  Keep on truckin. ✌

*Allow me to explain the Bull. I was hangry on the way to the "combo" and hangry until we got to Joanne's Country Kitchen. Two and half days of nothing but broth, electrolyte drinks, apple juice, lime Jell-O and banana Popsicles, four Dulcolax pills at noon two days in a row, and two bottles of magnesium citrite, which must be the main ingredient for the most insane sour candy conceivable. 

All I could think about was food. 

I dreamt of food last night. I had to get up every hour to pee - I think it was pee - at some point, I couldn't tell where the liquid was coming from! The Cleanse. The Dreaded Cleanse. 

Every food commercial was brutal. 

Every sitcom where people were eating. 

Every food billboard we passed on the way to the hospital. 

Every restaurant pouring breakfast aromas into the street on the way to a combo nobody orders. Except doctors. 

I repeated today's mantra, "It's almost over. I can eat soon." Then I would think about what I was going to eat. But I wouldn't make the mistake I made after my first colonoscopy. No, today's meal would be light, easily digestible. I do not recommend Cinnamon Roll French Toast after fasting and cleansing for two days for a colonoscopy. (I have to do a two-day prep because I can't keep the usual medicine down.)

I sat with my husband in Joanne's Country Kitchen on Winchester Road. Hangrily listening to chit chat. Hangrily waiting for eggs. And this pastel bull stares at me. Nonchalant. I felt the artist challenging me to keep calm and gaze at pastel cows. A hangry epiphany perhaps. Or maybe it was the sedative. I took its picture to remember this magical connection with something beyond my understanding.